The Regalia of the Tool

I don't claim all of the following to be an entirely original sentiment but I have yet to find a list complied so concisely of tool wardrobe choices. In addition this list is not aimed specifically at any particular genre of tool. In fact you might say that finding someone wearing one of these items does not necessarily make them a tool but the item's presence does increase the odds by about 20%. Therefor is someone were to be seen wearing three or four of the following items then they would almost certainly posses tool like qualities.

Unnecessary hats
Most of the items on this list have times when their use is acceptable but become tool-like when used out of context. One such example, the hat. This goes for any type of hat but the most frequent offenders are hats of the baseball and cowboy variety. Now ask yourself the following questions about the hat's use.
1)Is the hat worn when it is dark outside and there is no chance of rain?
2)Is the hat worn indoors for extended periods of time?
3)Is the hat on backwards?
If you answer yes to any of the following then the person wearing the hat may be a tool.


Unnecessary Sunglasses
Sunglasses follow similar rules to hats. Ask yourself the following questions about the context of sunglasses use.
1)Are they worn when there is no sun out?
2)Are they worn indoors?
3)Are they worn by a creepy old man who you are sure is just using them to hide the fact that he is staring at you?
If you answer yes to any of these question then the wearer may very well be a tool unless a) they have transition lenses in their glasses or b) they are blind.


Underarmor as a shirt
Underarmor has a very specific set of uses and they are all related to sports. So if you see someone inexplicably wearing Underarmor as a regular shirt and there are no sports related activities nearby they are most likely a tool. This fact is compounded by the extreme body odor multiplying properties of Underarmor which the person may try to counteract with an overbearing application of Axe in one of it's many feme-repelling, asthma inducing strains.


Overly tight jeans
This one, I'm afraid, has no acceptable use parameters. If someone has jeans so tight that they looks like they may cause infertility with extensive use the wearer has a high probability of being a tool. On the entire spectrum of bodyweight this is unacceptable, from bean pole to behemoth. Bonus tool points if the jeans are so tight they result in jean cellulite or cause bruises at the waste line from sitting down.


To clarify, I denote “tool” to be a masculine term so the above statements may not apply to females. This list is by no means comprehensive and I encourage you to leave comments suggesting additions to this list. I may add them in a future post and give you credit. I have my settings so you don't have to be a member to comment so please feel free to give help, commentary and feedback.