To: all NASA employees
From: Sherri Puruski, head of human resources
Subject: NASA'S NEW DIRECTION! :)
employees,
Why hello there :) As I'm sure you know by now upper management here at NASA has been going through quite a few changes in the past two weeks and as a result things here are changin' up! Now you may be asking yourself "wull gee, wut was so bad about thu old way we did things?" I'm so glad you asked! :) You see, recent findings by the HR department show that folks here at NASA are just to darn stressed! We found that the incidence of cardiovascular ailments related to stress was over twice that of the average American for employees here at NASA. As a result of this our life spans are an average of TEN YEARS shorter than the average janes and joes! :o This is just plain unacceptable! Employees were dying off from stress related heart attacks left and right! So all of us here at the top of the ladder got together and had a little powow. We decided to take decisive action to make NASA Stress free! Here is a list of some of the new changes effective immediately to ensure NASA becomes a friendly and laid back environment:
1.A new motto! "shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars", :) much better than the old motto "For the Benefit of All" IMO, what does that even mean anyway?
2.Every day is now Casual Friday! Those pocket protectors will look even cooler when they are in the breast pocket of your t-shirt tye-dyed to resemble the Ulam spiral!
3.The bleak and noisy mission control room is getting a new, soothing coat of
aquamarine color paint and a sound system installed that plays a continuous loop of the sounds of waves breaking on a beach!
4.Pets on every space flight! Nothing relives stress like a fun, furry companion to
enjoy weightlessness with! Bring your very own Laika into space and enjoy the
challenge of potty training him in zero g!
5.Three words: In Flight Movie!
6.That nail biting, super stressful countdown will be replaced with playing the super catchy song The Final Countdown! Launching will be synchronized with the start of the guitar solo. :)
These are just the first of many changes to make NASA a stress free workplace. I can't wait to be part of this new and exciting future with all* of you!!! :)
<3,
Sherri Puruski
*effective immediately, anyone found being stressed at work will be fired. Have a great day.
2/24/09
2/7/09
The Regalia of the Tool
I don't claim all of the following to be an entirely original sentiment but I have yet to find a list complied so concisely of tool wardrobe choices. In addition this list is not aimed specifically at any particular genre of tool. In fact you might say that finding someone wearing one of these items does not necessarily make them a tool but the item's presence does increase the odds by about 20%. Therefor is someone were to be seen wearing three or four of the following items then they would almost certainly posses tool like qualities.
Unnecessary hats
Most of the items on this list have times when their use is acceptable but become tool-like when used out of context. One such example, the hat. This goes for any type of hat but the most frequent offenders are hats of the baseball and cowboy variety. Now ask yourself the following questions about the hat's use.
1)Is the hat worn when it is dark outside and there is no chance of rain?
2)Is the hat worn indoors for extended periods of time?
3)Is the hat on backwards?
If you answer yes to any of the following then the person wearing the hat may be a tool.
Unnecessary Sunglasses
Sunglasses follow similar rules to hats. Ask yourself the following questions about the context of sunglasses use.
1)Are they worn when there is no sun out?
2)Are they worn indoors?
3)Are they worn by a creepy old man who you are sure is just using them to hide the fact that he is staring at you?
If you answer yes to any of these question then the wearer may very well be a tool unless a) they have transition lenses in their glasses or b) they are blind.
Underarmor as a shirt
Underarmor has a very specific set of uses and they are all related to sports. So if you see someone inexplicably wearing Underarmor as a regular shirt and there are no sports related activities nearby they are most likely a tool. This fact is compounded by the extreme body odor multiplying properties of Underarmor which the person may try to counteract with an overbearing application of Axe in one of it's many feme-repelling, asthma inducing strains.
Overly tight jeans
This one, I'm afraid, has no acceptable use parameters. If someone has jeans so tight that they looks like they may cause infertility with extensive use the wearer has a high probability of being a tool. On the entire spectrum of bodyweight this is unacceptable, from bean pole to behemoth. Bonus tool points if the jeans are so tight they result in jean cellulite or cause bruises at the waste line from sitting down.
To clarify, I denote “tool” to be a masculine term so the above statements may not apply to females. This list is by no means comprehensive and I encourage you to leave comments suggesting additions to this list. I may add them in a future post and give you credit. I have my settings so you don't have to be a member to comment so please feel free to give help, commentary and feedback.
Unnecessary hats
Most of the items on this list have times when their use is acceptable but become tool-like when used out of context. One such example, the hat. This goes for any type of hat but the most frequent offenders are hats of the baseball and cowboy variety. Now ask yourself the following questions about the hat's use.
1)Is the hat worn when it is dark outside and there is no chance of rain?
2)Is the hat worn indoors for extended periods of time?
3)Is the hat on backwards?
If you answer yes to any of the following then the person wearing the hat may be a tool.
Unnecessary Sunglasses
Sunglasses follow similar rules to hats. Ask yourself the following questions about the context of sunglasses use.
1)Are they worn when there is no sun out?
2)Are they worn indoors?
3)Are they worn by a creepy old man who you are sure is just using them to hide the fact that he is staring at you?
If you answer yes to any of these question then the wearer may very well be a tool unless a) they have transition lenses in their glasses or b) they are blind.
Underarmor as a shirt
Underarmor has a very specific set of uses and they are all related to sports. So if you see someone inexplicably wearing Underarmor as a regular shirt and there are no sports related activities nearby they are most likely a tool. This fact is compounded by the extreme body odor multiplying properties of Underarmor which the person may try to counteract with an overbearing application of Axe in one of it's many feme-repelling, asthma inducing strains.
Overly tight jeans
This one, I'm afraid, has no acceptable use parameters. If someone has jeans so tight that they looks like they may cause infertility with extensive use the wearer has a high probability of being a tool. On the entire spectrum of bodyweight this is unacceptable, from bean pole to behemoth. Bonus tool points if the jeans are so tight they result in jean cellulite or cause bruises at the waste line from sitting down.
To clarify, I denote “tool” to be a masculine term so the above statements may not apply to females. This list is by no means comprehensive and I encourage you to leave comments suggesting additions to this list. I may add them in a future post and give you credit. I have my settings so you don't have to be a member to comment so please feel free to give help, commentary and feedback.
2/6/09
25 Things about Smee
1.Smee is Captain Hook's right-hand man in J. M. Barrie's play Peter Pan, or The Boy
Who Wouldn't Grow Up and the novel Peter and Wendy.
2.Smee is a jack of all trades. He is a proficient barber, boat rower, and cook.
3.Smee is an oddly genial man for a pirate.
4.Smee is a portly man with a bulbous nose and red cheeks.
5.Smee's choice of a top with horizontal stripes isn't flattering to his figure.
6.Like the other men of Neverland, Smee is ignorant of what a mother is.
7.If Wendy could choose a Pirate for a pet it would be Smee.
8.It is never clearly explained how Smee and the other pirates came to be in
Neverland.
9.Smee has "good form" without knowing it, which is of course the best form of all.
10.Hook almost tears into Smee for this but knows that clawing a man for having good
form is very bad form.
11.Smee can dance a mean jig.
12.In the Disney film, Peter Pan, Smee is voiced by Bill Thompson.
13.In the 1991 Steven Spielberg film Hook, Smee is portrayed by actor Bob Hoskins.
14.Sometimes Smee hits the sauce when things get rough.
15."Smee" is said to be short for the name "Bartholomew Quigley Smeethington".
16.Smee is popular with the ladies in Neverland.
17.Smee's office on the Jolly Rodger is inconsistent, he has been the bo'sun, first
mate, and the cook in different stories.
18.According to Smee shooting a man in the middle of his cadenza "ain't good form, you
know."
19.Every child in the brig loves Smee despite his belief that they all fear him.
20.Smee offers to save Wendy from the plank, if only she promises to be his mother - an
offer she refuses, "Not even for Smee".
21.Disney's version of Smee appears in House of Mouse and the Kingdom Hearts
video games.
22.Smee is more concerned with himself than his loyalty to Captain Hook.
23.Smee is entrusted with the duty of stopping captain hook from committing suicide.
24.Smee is the pitcher in the pirate baseball league.
25.Smee is scared that he is incapable of love.
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